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The Secret to Golf Length

The Secret to Golf Length

“And when they came nigh to Jerusalem, unto Bethpage Black, at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent forth two of his disciples.” (Mark 11:1 K.J.V.) “Verily I say unto you, that whosoever shall have great length on Earth shall have unheard of length in Heaven”, said Jesus to his disciples. And so the quest for great length off the tee began.
Every golfer is searching for the secret to golf. The secret is that there is a secret to golf, and you are about to learn it. Everyone knows that money is the root of all evil. Jesus commanded everyone to sell all of their possessions and to give all of the money to the poor. Are there any Christians on Earth today? When Jesus entered the Temple in Jerusalem he “began to cast out them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, and he said, ‘Is it not written, My House shall be called of all nations the House of Prayer? But ye have made it a den of thieves.’” (Mark 11:15-17).
During the time of Christ, golfers used wooden golf balls and wooden golf clubs made from the hickory tree. Then, in the early 1600’s, the featherie golf ball was invented. The featherie golf ball was a hand sewn cowhide bag stuffed with goose feathers and painted. Because it flew so beautifully, it lasted for 200 years. In 1848 Reverend Doctor Robert Adams hardened the sap of the gutta percha tree into latex and invented the gutta percha golf ball, which replaced the featehrie golf ball from 1850 until 1900, when rubber took over. The rubber balls lasted until 1930. Today’s balls have a titanium metal core with many layers of surlyn and balata coverings. Golf club shafts evolved from hickory tree wood with persimmon tree heads to steel shafts and now to graphite shafts with very large titanium heads. Despite the incredible advances in golf club and golf ball technology, the handicaps of male and female golfers have not gone down, according to noted author and custom club fitter Steven Passarell. How could this be? Here is the answer.
Famed Psychiatrist and 9 Handicap Sigmund Freud explained the human ego: “The human ego is the part of the cerebellum concerned most with feeling like a great human being. In many cases of over developed cerebelli, the human being begins to believe that in a prior life, he was the Messiah Jesus Christ, or Napoleon Bonaparte, as a defense mechanism to the haranguing of over critical parents and the resulting wounded ego.” (Austrian Journal of Medicine Volume XXIV, page 69). Golf club and golf ball manufacturers have known forever that the most important thing to the male and female golfer, the cure for an ego wounded in childhood is distance off the tee.
According to Stephen Hawking, the world’s greatest scientist, the Earth is 5 billion years old. A mere 2,500 years ago in Gehenna, just south of Jerusalem, in the valley of Gehinnom, the Jewish and non Jewish people of the land of Canaan used to sacrifice their first born male children on fire altars to the God Baal aka Beelzebub aka Satan. The drummers beat their drums loudly to drown out the screams of the burning alive babies. Golf club and golf ball manufacturers have known forever that golfers were perfectly willing to sacrifice accuracy and $500 for added distance off the tee. Their first clue was when golfers in the long drive competition would throw down their driver after their massive hit, and beat their chests with both fists, like the apes with which humans have 99% the same DNA.
From the time of Jesus Christ until the time of Jack Nicklaus, scientists knew that the exactly perfect length for the men’s driver was 43”. It didn’t matter how tall you were because God gave taller players longer arms. Every golf club manufacturer from the time of Jesus until the time of Jack knew that if you made the driver shaft even 1/8 of an inch longer, the golfer would hit into the ground, and in an effort not to hit into the ground, the golfer would make swing changes and then begin to spray the ball all over the park. This is why at long driving contests the fairway is the width of a football field and the golfers with their long shafts are still blowing it out of bounds.
In the 1990’s golf club manufacturers began to make the driver shafts 2 and 3 inches longer, 45” and 46”. They marketed the fact that these golf clubs hit the ball further and golfers did not care if their 300 yard drive flew two fairways over – that made the drive seem even longer. Ladies drivers went from the standard 42.5 inches used by Mary Magdalene and Kathy Whitworth to 44” and 45”. As Nike Golf made millions selling 45” drivers, Tiger Woods continued to play with 43” steel shafted Nike drivers, and Tiger continued to lead in driving distance and piled up major after major playing against Pros who had switched to the 45” driver trying to match Tiger’s distance. Augusta National lengthened their golf course after Tiger won the Masters at 18 under. Jack Nicklaus and Slammin’ Sammy Snead hit the ball 300 yards right down the middle using 43” steel shafts with persimmon tree heads. The whole time that Tiger was on his major rampage, Nike Golf refused to make drivers with 43” shafts available to the public.
Billions of dollars of advertising have gone into convincing the public that 45” and 46” drivers are the next best thing to the arrival of Jesus Christ. Taylor Made and Titleist and Callaway and Nike Golf are making fortunes selling these too long shafts, and the PGA of America couldn’t be happier. Their 32,000 golf professionals are making a fortune teaching golfers how to hit their too long woods and irons – a feat impossible for the average golfer, which leads to endless lessons and purchases of golf books and golf magazines filled with golf tips and videos and CD’s and golf swing training accessories. Suddenly, along comes Peter Kessler hawking the Perfect Club, because it goes straight, but the Perfect Driver loses about 75 yards in distance because get this, the shaft is 42 ½ inches. The ½ inch decrease costs the golfer a ton of yardage.
The first big golf company coming out with a graphite shafted 43” driver with a titanium head, with the new Prov1x golf ball, is going to wipe out the rest of the other golf club manufacturers, and bring the average handicap down by 8 shots, because there is no loss of distance, and the ball goes dead straight. In the meantime men cut your shaft down to 43” and ladies cut your shafts down to 42.5 inches. There will be no loss in accuracy or distance. Until then, choke up on your driver 2’’ and watch the ball fly long and straight off that big sweet spot time after time again. Shaving 8 shots off your score instantaneously should be a good thing for your ego and your bank account. This will also speed up pace of play, David Fay. Hasn’t your ego suffered enough humiliation hunting for your $5 golf ball in the trees yet? In our next installment we will discuss how your golf club manufacturers silently de-lofted all of your club heads turning your 9 iron into a 7 iron to make you think that you are hitting your shaft lengthened de-lofted 9 iron farther. Didn’t Jack use his towering ball flight to hold the greens at Augusta? The pros have their clubs custom made. You aren’t using the same clubs they are. Only the label is the same.
Speaking of Jesus, the X factor golf swing has been heralded as a way to improve your distance. It means that you keep your left heel down, make a tiny hip turn and a big shoulder turn to hit the ball farther. A noted former PGA tour player turned orthopedic surgeon, Bill Mallon, M.D., calls this the fastest way to blow out your back and wind up in excruciating life long pain, in his book, “The Golf Doctor: How to Play a Better Healthier Round of Golf”. Didn’t Jack do OK letting his left heel come 2” off the ground? The surgeon recommends letting it come up even farther to save your back. Harry Vardon’s came up about 5 inches. Jesus recommended three. There is no need to sacrifice your back in your quest for added length off the tee. Try a longer driver, or a new golf psychologist. The only people not benefiting from these long shafts are the golfers. Everyone else, the whole golf industry, is laughing all the way to the bank.

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